The cup is coming home

01 March 2009. “Deuce!” If you’re the sort of sports fan that loves watching seemingly endless clay court baseline rallies at the French Open, then Saturday’s rugby international between Ireland and England at Croke Park was excitement epitomised.

For the rest of us, the entertainment level was roughly akin to that of staring at two oak trees to see which grows the faster.

The commentators called it ‘low-risk’ rugby but actually it was extremely high risk – risk of a spectator exodus; risk of neck injuries to the forwards as they swivelled constantly to watch the ball being kicked to and fro through the air; risk of frostbite in the hands through lack of clapping; and risk of rugby’s reputation as an attractive sport being lost forever.

Some blame the Experimental Law Variations (ELVs) for the preponderance of up-and-unders (a misnomer, for actually while all of the kicks went up, generally the only person under them was the opposition catcher) that plague the modern game. That’s just a convenient excuse for mediocrity and for fear. Fear of risk, fear of failure and worst of all – fear of glory.

Ronan O’Gara, Toby Flood and Delon Armitage were the worst of a very bad bunch, their kicking generally as aimless as it was clueless. One particular chapter of play must have involved ten baseline rallies – sorry, up-and-unders – none of which had any accuracy or any point. I am at risk of falling asleep at the memory.

What to do about it? Easy. Bring in some more ELVs...

No I’m not kidding. Just as the Rugby League authorities brightened up the game by introducing the six-tackle rule, so should their Rugby Union counterparts rejuvenate the code by limiting the number of times a team can kick without moving the ball through, say, three sets of hands.

So let’s say, two baseline rallies – sorry, up-and-unders – followed by a compulsory moving of the ball. The team that started the kicking process would not only be the ones that would have to end it, but for that very reason would be less likely to do it in the first place.

I am tempted to count the number of aimless kicks in yesterday’s match. But I think I’d sooner ruin my Sunday by watching a re-run of the most boring match of the 2008 French Open. The rallies were generally more skilful and at least somebody eventually got a point.